Celebrity Crush: Thoughts on why River Phoenix was the perfect boyfriend.

No one can compare to the first love of my life, the man who taught me that I was ambivalent about being famous, the man that showed me what strange looked like, the only person who made me consider being a vegetarian. River Phoenix.

I was going to grow up and marry River Phoenix.

The best part about being a girl in the 1980’s was there was a very distinct difference between celebrities therefore you could tell exactly who you were dealing with when you met a girl who was a Tom Cruise fan, a Kirk Cameron fan, or a Christian Slater girl.

If you loved Tom Cruise you needed a hero, someone to get you out of this place, who would jump off a waterfall or punch a terrorist for you. You needed a father figure.

If you loved Kirk Cameron, one you’re Christian. But mostly you maybe weren’t into guys? He was the person who wasn’t going to pressure you into going all the way.

If you loved Christian Slater, you were trash who hated authority and probably have tattoos that you regret now.

As a River girl, it meant I was cool and edgy, into indie and alternative worlds. I was going to strive to be intelligent, surround myself with people who were freaks and homos and artists. Parents didn’t have to worry because his untimely death meant a whole generation of River’s girls stayed away from hard drugs.

The fact that River was taken too soon and he never got a chance to really grow up, he’ll always be the enigma, which is what a celebrity should be.

Celebrity is so accessible now, and it’s actually possible to track them, meet them, sleep with them, be disappointed in them. Not like back-in-the-day where word of mouth had you camped out behind hotels or begging your parents to take you to some mall out of the way where people are doing autograph signings. If you doubt me, ask James Franco just how accessible he is.

I used to have a secret power, I could guess who your celebrity crush was based on who you are now. I don't have that power anymore, not since 2007 when a whole new crop of celebrities came of age. I can’t tell the differences between the Chris Pine/Hemsworth/Evens/Pratt. You kids get off my lawn! Now my secret power is to tell you who you are if you tell me who your celebrity crush is.

If only I can apply that to my own branding.

Tell me who your crush is in the comments below and I’ll tell you what kind of person you are.